Dave's Negative Blogs

So I have been at University for 2 days now and I have to say so far so great. The grounds are beautiful and the people I have met so far are really fun, intelligent and friendly, although on my first day, Monday, something rather embarrassing happened to me.

It's not the worst thing in the world but its not an amazing way to start a year. I was told I needed to be at my building by 11 O'clock and as I approached it I saw a large group of people being lined up outside. As I wasn't 100% sure where I was supposed to be going I made my way over to them. A rather stiff suited man asked me “New student?” and without lying I told him yes. He then practically dragged me over to a line of people and stuck me with a partner of some sort. This is where Mr. Cunt comes into play. I call him Mr. Cunt because, if you ever saw this man you would automatically call him Mr. Cunt, despite what his real name is. A real bona-fide cunt of a man. Sarcasm in every word. A one man instrument of patronising tones. He told us all to drop our bags and shake each others hands. I did not drop my bag. Despite having a camera in it, I don't take orders from bona-fide cunts. He then proceeded to encourage us all to tell each other our names, followed by a series of questions to ask each other along the lines of “What would you do if you won the lottery?” yeah, real original stuff like that. He asked me what I would do. On the spot and attempting to answer honestly I said “Buy a new camera?” He then tried his hardest to make me look like Mr. Cunt by informing me he would give almost all of it to charity. I told him “that's nice. You really are a very nice person” and he left me alone. By the time he asked us all to sing happy birthday to each other (absolutely true, seriously) I asked the suited flat headed man if I, a media student was even supposed to be here. I was relieved when he said I didn't. I was in the middle of a meet and greet for the Computer students. I walked away as fast as I could not looking back. I had feared for a second that my tutors were complete idiots and that I was in for a year of Mr. Cunt and his generous and charitable ways. Relieved as I was I couldn't help feel sorry for the computer students that had to endure this.

I arrived at my lecture at 11:15 so it wasn't too bad, however its a 15 minutes I would love to forget.

I hope you enjoyed this short tale of minor embarrassment and I am sure there will be many more over the next 3 years.

I know my last post was quite pro-Gregg's but lets clear this up. The only fully satisfying Gregg's I have ever been in was the one in Greenwich. Recently I tried the one in Bromley and although the sandwich was okay, it didn't hold a candle to what Greenwich had to offer. Also when I went in there must have been a sign on the wall I didn't see reading “The stupidest, most over personal, loud and badly singing member of staff gets a £50 bonus today” because I literally couldn't pay for my items quick enough. I had to escape being serenaded while they all shouted at each other “You on break? When is my break? Can you pick me up some rolls?”

I have been thinking about God again recently (not that I ever don't have the eternal question burning in my brain at all given times of each and every fucking day) but yesterday I came to the abstract notion that God is in fact, a Fridge Magnet. Consider that Evolution is a Fridge. It holds most things, not everything but most things. It gives them a place and keeps them from going off (on one). Then stick a fridge magnet to the fridge. It looks nice and that but it doesn't affect anything the fridge does.

Also in retrospect I realised this was a stupid theory and stopped thinking about it. Think harder about your metaphors David, think harder.

Anyway, I start University tomorrow/today which is exciting. It's odd because I literally haven't met anyone. No one on the course, no teachers or anything so not sure what to expect really. I have a temporary I.D though which you will be happy to know makes me look like an idiot and this week is “Fresher's week” and I have no idea what that involves. From what my Universities student paper describes though it seems to be the social event of the decade...

Anyway, hope you are all well

I have memories of “Greggs” the bakers. I have memories similar to my memories of KFC. I have memories of walking past it and getting the scent of steamed turds whofting up my nose holes. I have memories of going in there with my mum as a child and being overshadowed by the never changing 45-55 year old female staff offering the most putrid looking sausage rolls and pasties filled with old nappy waste (probably) I have memories of only ever wanting their ginger bread men. The taste of the ginger combined with the smartie created probably my first orgasm.

So you can imagine my confusion when a few days ago after registering for my University in Greenwich I decided to go in there. I don't know why I did it. I literally haven't stepped near them in about 7 years, but for some reason or another I decided to have a look. I took a chance ladies and gentlemen and bought their chicken and bacon salad sandwich with white seeded bread and what I'm about to say ladies and gentlemen is something I will never come to understand or fully accept. That sandwich was possibly the nicest sandwich I have ever eaten. It was perfect. Everything about it was amazing. The lettuce was crisp and fresh as was the warm soft bread. I felt empty after finishing it. I wanted another one, but luckily as a back up (and for nostalgic purposes) I also purchased a gingerbread man and that my friends was softer than a babies nappy leftovers. It was amazing.

This is my personal apology to Gregg's. I am very sorry Gregg's. You have indeed improved, and I plan to be a customer of your damned fine sandwiches.

Again many apologies for the absence. Been very busy sorting out my Uni stuff and whatnot. Hope you are all well. I have enclosed an amazing song by “THE TUSS” AKA Richard D James better known as Aphex Twin/Polygon Window/AFX/Caustic Window ect... I know its confusing.