Year five was horrible. In year five i was made to watch a video that can harm you more than "the ring" I dont know if sex education is still taught the same but when i reached year five i was shown one of the most demented videos in the universe. Most of the video was made up of hilarious animations that display a child confused at his first sexual feelings. These we all laughed at. Also the girls being escorted away from the boys to be told about their periods was not only strange at the time but rediculously intreaguing. I remember boys confronting girls and asking "What the hell did they tell you!? come on tell me!" it drove kids loco. There were 2 things on the sordid video however that were quite disturbing.

Firstly there was a clip of a family who apparently all walk around their house naked. Where does this family live so i can inform the police? Dont get me wrong i have nothing against naturists but you should choose to be one and not force your children to do it. Im not implying any connotations to paedophilia, im just indicating thats it demented. This family is too close. Most families dont like each other most of the time let alone skip around the house naked and take baths together. If you do consider youself a true naturist sell your house and go and live in the forest. But im getting off subject now...

...It was the videos grand finale that made me want to rip out my eyeballs and stuff them into my pencil case beneath the shards of sharp pencil shavings. The feature presentation ladies and gentlemen was...THE MIRACLE OF CHILDBIRTH! This is not something someone that young needs to see. I think its probably safer to show a year 5 pupil 2 people actually having sex, which for some reason i could never understand why they didnt. Its sex education right? But no all its intent on showing you is STDs. Speaking of STDs the worst of them all is a child. Im sorry if i seem harsh but i do not consider childbirth a miracle. Fortunately i am no longer a child so this gives me the RIGHT to claim how much i dislike them. Im not saying i wont ever want kids because who knows how my opinions will change? But i really dont see any benifit of getting them in the next 40 years. The video is vile. As if its not bad enough that a child is coming out to ruin your life...its covered in...well i dont know what it is but theres a lot of colours going on there. Im not going to go into the whole abortion debate right now but all i will say is i personally believe the time period a woman should have to abort the child should be around...18 years. Yeah i can imagine it now. Young Dave junior is 17. He wants to stay out late one night so i let him borrow the car (being the hip cool dad i am!) but what does he do? he brings it back with a headlight smashed and a parking ticket for £70...ABORTED. i warned him!

My point is the sex education video didnt scare me away from sex...it just scared me away from all children. Kids hate me...and i hate them. Children (like all people) are a chemical reaction...

...an annoying one.