Dave's Negative Blogs

I am unemployed...most people when they hear this are unimpressed. "18 years old and still havent got a job? i was down the cole mines at 10 and in a hammer factory by the time i was 12 where i lost all my limbs in a big piece of machinery" i know, i know things were harder in your days! But honestly, i want a job. no i'll rephrase that. i NEED a job. i have left college and now have absolutely nothing to do. Due to certain problems at home i decided to give the thought of University a year out. I might go in a year who knows? but for now work is very much on my mind. I will be the first to admit that i'm not exactly a go getter when it comes to the job hunt. i only apply for jobs i can realistically see myself enjoying (such as working for a HMV or in a guitar or camera shop or something) but thats not the point! i have tried applying for the lowest of the low! i have even risked certain zombification and tried Argos!

The main reason why i keep failing to even get interviews is because of my lack of work experience. I have never worked properly. I had a paper round once but after a few weeks i slowly felt my grip on reality fading away and felt tempted to throw myself under passing cars. You see my Secondary school failed to arrange any work experience for us, which i am to understand is quite irregular. Most schools seem to have gotten the opportunity. And before you say anything i know i can go to shops and say "hey can i work here for a month for free for experience?" and they will probably let me...but why the fuck would i want to do that?! im trying to make money! Also as long as i have a half valid scape goat (my secondary school) im going to milk it for all its worth. Although obviously this still leaves me jobless...and with goats milk which is frankly just rancid.

it truely aggrivates me that i havent been able to find any job opportunities for 2 years. I see people just coming out of secondary school at 16 and getting an instantanious job. Perhaps they are the pushy type. You know the relentless type who instead of moaning like the rest of us actually go out and get things done...wankers in other words.

One thing i can do though is trot down to the local job centre and claim £45 a week beneifts. Believe me i didnt want to do this! honestly! i want to work! i like to have something to do! If you dont agree with me scrounging money off the taxpayers then...i dont know... offer me a job? Anyone? No? ok well im going down there this week to sign on like many of my heroes.

So if there is anyone out there who needs someone grumpy and opinionated im your guy!

Oh one quick thing. I know im probably not the first to notice this (i dont know) but have you noticed that on the edit screen where you write your blogs on the top left hand corner of it, it reads "F U K D"? i thought this was pretty interesting.

Ok this is going to be a quick blog for me. 1) becasue its late and im not sure i have enough energy to rant about how much i dislike Scientology and 2) becasue a Scientology related blog will come later this week probably.

Basically what i wanted to adress however was the Scientologt advertisments on some of my blog pages. These are a disgrace! i think advertising in itself is bad enough without having the rediculous beliefs of L Ron Hubbard plastered all across my blog. People will enter my page and see the ad and automatically presume i am a Scientologist.

This does not sit well with me. If i have offended any Scientologists with this post then please, please, please, please, please make sure you check out my Blog on scientology coming later this week! becasue this is just an apitizer.

Goodnight

Lets face it...Britain very rarely makes a good entertaining and original television program nowadays, but when the planets are in perfect allignment you better hold onto your hats becasue occasionally we can produce programming of absolute beauty. 100% original, hilarious, heart warming, clever and downright genius programming that you could never replicate. For me the main contender is "SPACED" a modern sitcom penned by Simon Pegg, Jessica Stevenson (or Jessica Hynes depending on when you first saw her) and Edgar Wright. These are the same people who brought us "Shaun of the dead" and "Hot Fuzz" But forget those movies for a second becasue this was out waaay before. Spaced is one of those shows that because of my age, and where i live i feel (like a lot of others) that i can relate to it. I love this show. Its my favourite television show ever BUT I wont hark on about it too much becasue im deterring from my actual point. The point i want to cover is...American remakes! Now if your a fellow SPACED fan and your reading this thinking "What?! hes relating Spaced and american remakes? is there going to be a remake of spaced? this cant happen ever! i will kill myself before i accept that!" then please calm down! Yes this was my first reaction when i heard about it HOWEVER it all turned out to be a farse. There will be no american remake, i will repeat it just to calm you down THERE WILL BE NO AMERICAN REMAKE!!! becasue unlike a lot of money hungry and stupid people, Pegg, Stevenson and Wright are not stupid enough to destroy something so beautiful.

Why would an American remake destroy SPACED? well simple really...Becasue its not needed! simple enough! It doesnt have to exist. These are the things you would lose with an American remake: You would lose the main writers, because although the original writers would get input, the show needs to now relate to an American demographic meaning a lot would need to be changed content wise. Also i doubt the directing skills of Edgar Wright would be needed as Americans very much like to do things "their way"

Dont get me wrong i have nothing particually wrong with American television. After all they did make "The X-Files" (or was that Canada?) and without that i dont know what i would do. It just amazes me that if some American Big wig sees a British show he likes, why does he then think to himself "Hmm this is really good! i relate to it and i pretty much get it all! But i need to remake it with a new cast, new writers and it needs American accents!" Does this bigwig producer doubt the intelligence of his or her audience? Im probably wrong but i can't for the life of me think of one American program (other than gameshows) that we have remade. We get A LOT of American shows over here and although a lot of them (the daytime sitcoms) i despise i think i pretty much get all the jokes. sure theres the occasional American pop culture reference that goes over my head but i dont lose any sleep over it.

To me an American remake is a lot like a really bad cover band. You cant see the real band so you take a chance and go and see this "critically acclaimed" cover act who promise to play all the hits. You get there and on the stage appear 5 obese leather clad lime jelly filled potato sacks, wobbling around the stage dying on their arse. people are laughing ... but not for the right reasons and its all very embarassing.

If you still not convinced and are thinking "but what about the American Office? wasnt't that alright?" No! it wasn't alright. it was shameless money making and it was nothing on the original. If your not convinced simply go on youtube and search for "Red Dwarf US Pilot" and you will be converted to my church of anti American Re-makes.

In the great, amazing, wonderful, loving, nice, always sunny, totally free, non violent country that is England the lovely government that i adore so much is considering raising the legal drinking age to 21 like in the States. I for one agree totally with the govern....whats that? were out of view from CCTV? finally! ok forget everything i just wrote. its true the government is seriously considering raising the legal drinking age to 21 but i had to say those horribly positive things about the country because i was being watched.

You see in this Country we re slowly losing our rights. Now i wont go on a crazy one don't worry, i am fully aware that we are not communist Russia however i don't really like the sound of the legal drinking age increasing. Now before we start this let me just clear something up...i am not really a sponsor for alcohol. i like it, i will admit but i do think its ironic that one of the most legal drugs we have is the most dangerous.

But on the other hand if the legal age is raised (me being 18) i will have to wait 3 more years till i can drink again and in this time and day we currently live in how will i possibly be able to face each horrible day if i am to be sober? the sight of Vanessa Phelts makes me reach for the bottle of jack daniels so quickly and so often that my right arm has actually evolved a second elbow. In order for me to watch television i have to be literally hooked up to a hanging bucket filled with straight vodka on a drip slowly working its way through my veins. when im on the drip vanessa phelts looks half normal...ok a quater, and the shrill death like voice of Blackadder's Tony Robinson stops trying to sell me bathroom cleaners and instead seems to be having an ingrossing debate with Vanessa Phelts on who would last longer in a bull fight with a red cloth stapled to their heads. Michael Winner or Cilla Black. You see drunk TV watching is an almost half enjoyable experience as it makes a variety of shit sights and sounds mould together to create something quite interesting. When the bucket empties however you slowly drift back into consiousness and the voice of Rik Mayall, which i used to enjoy and reminded me of so many great shows is now ordering me to buy andrex toilet paper in the form of a small dog, which leads me to think that you dont even need to be drunk to have a spaced out experience with television because with some programs and adverts you might as well be on LSD they are so non sensical.

So please government, oh lovely good superiour government. Government that knows whats best for me. please dont raise the legal age of drinking to 21 becasue i can assure you it will only posses me to find harder drugs and im not sure my brain would be able to handle a heroin enhanced "my family" episode

Hello im David Ives and im an idiot. ahh that felt really good to get off of my chest, but guess what? your an idiot too. Don't deny it! you are an idiot. All humans are idiots and its our natural default. There is an idiot spectrum and i fit on one particular side of it and so do you. Its just your job to figure out what side. However the fact that i can admit to my idiocy technically makes me at least 50 percent more intelligent than you...however being so arrogant also means i am a dickhead.

Of course im not really that arrogant! well not in the real world anyway. In the real world i plod along day after day in ye'olde London town just feeling relieved each day that i managed to get through it without getting stabbed by a 13 year old. On this amazing medium of the internet however for some reason my tone becomes all the more sarcastic and negative, so if you are in the mood for reading the negative and sarcastic rants of someone you don't care about and have never met then welcome to my blog.

So what am i going to be writing about? Oh i don't know, probably whatever is running through my head at the time. I could have opted out and done the lazier alternative to blogging which i believe is known as "vlogging" as made popular with the "youtube generation" in which i am subcatagorised by society as i am below the age of 20 and own a computer. I chose not to do this however beacuse A) I like the old fashioned medium of writing as it not only lets me actually think about what i want to say before i broadcast it to the world wide web but it also allows you (the reader) to make your assumptions about me based on my opinions and not how "fit" or "buff" i am or am not. and i intend to seperate myself from the label of being the youtube generation, not that i have anything against youtube becasue as you might be suprised to read i actually have a youtube account in which i do post videos however they are not Vlogs. They are short films as i like to think of myself as something of an ammature film maker. And as far as i am aware youtube seems to be the most popular video streaming medium on the interent so what better place to get my work seen?

Im a hypercrit i know...which will hopefully make all my Blogs all the more interesting...or confusing depending on which side of the idiot spectrum you are on