Back in the day, long long ago when i was in secondary school there was a time when lunch time was what you looked forward to. Amongst the struggles of maths and the lectures from totalitarian demi lords of the underworld HOYS (Head of years)there was always the thought in the back of your mind "dont worry Dave. Grin and bare it. Only 20 minutes to go till lunchtime. i wonder what they will have today? its thursday! they are going to have burgers. and im also going to get a chocolate muffin. ah this is going to be great" and great it was. My lunch hall even had a coca cola vending machine. I assure you that was the single thing that made me go to that school. it was the one defining feature that emphasised the change from primary school "you may have a cup of water with your meal" to Secondary "Have some MO' fuckin COCA COLA!" i actually felt slightly adult and respected. I had a small degree of freedom. I had a choice.
Then it all changed...
God did cometh. The second coming of Jesus had arrived. Lordy Lordy. raise your hands in the air and hail the upper middle classe's saviour. Jamie Oliver Cometh!
"Oh Jamie! my children are too fat! who can we blame! heaven forbid they blame me for my below average parenting! its not possibly my fault that i allowed my child to devlop bad eating habbits! I know! lets blame the schools!"
Now dont get me wrong. Im not the healthiest guy out there. I like to eat junk, i admit it but i can tell when its getting too much and then i cut back and eat reasonable meals. Thing is the canteen i was once proud of had been lowered to the Nazi state under the facist dictatorship of Jamie Oliver. Heil Oliver. Zeich Heil.
Why was my school listening to this cockney shite? Where had all the muffins gone? Where was the burger? it was only once a week. Where were the Cokes? Now in their place was "Caffiene free sugar free coca cola" if you can indeed even call it coca cola. To me thats just cruelty on a base level. If your going to get rid of coca cola then AT LEAST get rid of the vending machines completely. Dont titellate and tease us with your bland watery excuse for a soft drink. I think the Jamie Oliver regime actually succeeded in making me MORE unhealthy though. When the variety of different foods was phased out there wasnt a lot left of food that i actually liked, so i eventually had jacket potato, cheese and spaghetti hoops EVERY DAY for months. Nice one Jamie. way to keep the kids in shape. where as maybe if i was having a burger once a week i was at least getting some sort of meat nourishment with some lettuce.
I remember the day the ketchup wasnt there. I contemplated a public display of protest through suicide. Just set myself on fire right there in the canteen. Unfortunately becasue of the low levels of fat in my body i would probably burn too quickly to make any kind of worthy protest.
Essentially Jamie Olivers intentions are good. But lets look at this rationally. 1) Who the fuck is Jamie Oliver? An ex drummer for a shit band turned tv chef. 2) Did jamie oliver eat shit at school? YES because he never owned a time machine and visited his past self to stop him from eating turkey twizzlers. 3) why do schools value his opinion? Coz hes on the TV isnt he!
I genuinally feel sorry for kids just joining secondary school now because for you...Jamie Oliver Fucked It All Up
Sorry
