Dave's Negative Blogs

I am currently "studying" for my driving test. I havent had any lessons yet or ever driven a car in my life. At the moment all im doing is trying half heartedly to work my way through the 500 page theory bible. I have never been good at revising. Never. I just dont do it. Thats not to say i dont need to. Im sure i would benifit from it, im just literally not capiable. I pick up no infomation. Its getting a bit like that with the driving theory book. I am trying...i really am! i want to drive. it will make my life a lot easier, although make my wallet a lot lighter. Back in the days of GCSE i remember doing almost 0% revision in the whole 2 years. I still did reasonably well though, even in maths which i consider one of the things i am destined to fail at forever. I have come to terms with the fact i will never be a rocket surgeon. My point is though that no matter how much or how little revision i do i seem to scrape by...just. However i really dont see this happening with driving. I have never had to remember 500 pages with about 3 questions on each before. i know maths well enough to estimate that thats about 1500 questions.

By this lack of revision skill its no wonder i went on to do a BTECH in music at college as it requires no revision as there are no tests. Its made up of coursework (which is boring but easy) Its only now though after leaving college, turning 18 and metaphorically being thrust out into the adult world that i realise what life is. Life is just a series of GCSE exam after GCSE exam. Driving a car is as gruelling as a GCSE. getting a job is like a GCSE exam. First you have to pass your exam in CV writing, then you have to pass your GCSE exam in passing an interview (provided you can even manage to get one) then if you get the Job the remainder of your life in that job consists of working your way up the ranks and making more money. Relationships are very much viewed the same in society. Although i personally don't agree with this, marriage is considered the A* in a relationship. I personally believe you can last without marriage but what does a silly non Christian know about anything aye?

Its things like this that genuinally make me dread the "grown up life" I dont want to sound like Michael Jackson or anything but i really am not in the mood for growing up just yet. I wasnt estatic about turning 18 anyway. The thought of what i have to go through in the future when buying a house actually terrifies me more than any terrorist attack or encounter with the un-dead. I would even go so far as to say i would rather be eaten by a great white shark...and great white sharks are my biggest phobia. Thats not to suggest i like being a child or even a teenager. I would say that i could quite happily live my life at 20 forever. Yeah i think i will do that. I will remain 20 years old forever...

...What could go wrong?

Here it is ladies and germs, the long awaited Scientology blog. I didnt want to do this one too quickly becasue i have quite a lot to say on Scientology and didnt really want to rush it...

Ok let me start off by giving you a very brief overvue of Scientology (i dont want to bore you) Basically Scientology is a fairly new "Religion" that was started by a science fiction writer called L Ron Hubbard. It started as a "self help" book called Dianetics. From this came the cult of Scientology which unlike most major religions has an actual ranking system in which the only way to move up is through larger cash donations to the church. If your reading this i am sure you know what Scientologists actually believe. I wont go into it but it involves aliens. If you want the whole twisted info on Scientology just google it.

Just before writing this blog i was trying to think of the one main reason why i dont like scientology and to be honest i cant. This is becasue there as so many reasons i dislike it, to put them all on here would take me several years so i'll just give you the basics. Besides the fact that the people who are part of Scientology are so brainless they cant see that they're being scammed Scientology to me seems to be even more synester than that. On the one hand you can look at Scientology and think "Wow, this is the worlds most successful pyramid scheme" but on closer inspection and bit of research it all seems to get a bit dark and masonic. Just google search Lisa Mcpherson.

Anyway the most annoying thing about the cult is their raising poularity and acceptance. Seems to me that most people only see the famous scientologists on TV like Tom Cruise and John Travolta and people probably think "Oh that whacky Tom Cruise! Hes such a nut case!" and its all passed off as a light hearted eccentricity when in reality its people like Tom Cruise who are keeping Scientology alive. I know a Scientologists main argument is probably going to be "what are you some kind of Nazi!? im not allowed to believe what i want to believe?!" Well of course you are. Im not telling you what to believe. Im just in disbalief that you could ever believe in something SO rediculous.

I have taken 2 scientology "stress tests" in 2 different highstreets and both tests have come out with different results. One in Bromley Highstreet and one in Oxford Street. Basically they approach you in the street and ask: "Would you like a free stress test?" obviously i knew they were scientologists but i feel sorry for the people that dont becasue they are the ones who could possibly get phased into this cult. The Scientologists seem to do a very good job in not telling people who they are. No where on this stress test table could i see the word "Scientologist" They obviously do it because too many people have heard bad things about scientology and will begin to suspect things. Anyway i took this stress test which basically consisted of holding 2 metal poles while a person reads from something called an "E - meter" they ask you various questions and see how the meter moves in accordance to your answers. Obviously the whole thing is rediculous. They are claiming that it is some kind of "higher technology" when in reality all it does is measure how tightly you grip the poles. they could ask you a question like "think about your parents" and if the meter moves a bit they can put down something like "this shows he dislikes his parents" and then at the end the test 9 times out of 10 they tell you "hmm, you seem to have a lot of stress and mild depression...can i advise this book on dianetics?" and your in. you dont know it yet but the minute you take an interest in that book you are on your way towards the Church.

Scientology is a rediculously hostile cult. Any form of protest towards them is considered "discrimination" Also it seems to me that strangely Scientology's main form of defense is pathetic name calling. I have seen videos of protests against Scientology and its almost like every Scientologist has been taught the same thing on how to deal with it. "(1) call the protestors Nazis...(2) ask them what their crimes are...(3) accuse them of being murderers, adulterers or paedophiles or (4) pretend they physically abused you. It all seems very childish to me.

One of Scientology's main beliefs is that psychiatry is evil. They appose all drugs perscribed through psychiatry and believe it misdiagnoses in all cases. I think the weirdest thing about this is that scientology actually is a form of psychiatry and doesnt seem to realise it. it certainly costs as much. Tom Cruise has often been quoted telling psychiatry experts that they "Know nothing about the history of psychiatry" which i think is pretty funny coming from an...actor. Are you really going to believe an actor?

There is a group call "annonymous" who specialise is protesting Scientology. They seem to have a huge following at the moment and from what i can see are doing a pretty good job. I have to say through they did dissapoint me a bit. I remember they had a campeighn going that said something like "6/7/07 ... expect big things from annoymous" and i have to admit i was expecting something revolutanary to happen like the Scientology centre to blow up (with no one inside of course) but instead what happened? The protested again. Not really a "big thing" when their life seems to consist of it. It was the last ixpected considering they all wear "V for Vendetta" masks. But im not bashing them. Overall i think they are doing a good thing

At the end of the day Scientology is about ... Money. lots and lots of money. Anyone who denies it is a downright liar. Scientologists are liars and i have to say i genuinally feel sorry for the people gulliable enough to be mislead by the cult.

$$$

When it comes to the news i pretty much like to keep my nose out. Me and the news do not like each other. We just dont get on. When the news talks to me it can be patronising towards me. Basically i dont watch the news. I also try not to read the news. I try not to look at news on the internet (except movie and music news but you know im talking about "important issues") Your probably aware that i glance through the SUN newspaper from time to time but obviously thats only through curiosity as to what minority they are choosing to make fun of that week. I swear Jim Davidson edits that paper. Anyway my point is that i keep a long way away from news.

I dont avoid the news because i dont want to know whats going on in the world. As a matter of fact i have a huge interest in that, except i just dont like the way its presented to me. If there was perhaps some way that every update of news could be directly transmitted to my brain through some kind of futuristic wifi technology then i would be happy...provided it was advert free, presenter free, un bias, not aimed at a "hip young" audience and would go away when i wanted it to.

Avoiding the news (and most television) for a couple of months has done a great job in maintaining my sanity but obviously i have no idea whats going on in the world. Just today i was asked what i think of the "Russia and Georgia" situation and i didn't have a single clue what the hell they were talking about. the words rung a bell...but not like a Church's bell but more like a hotel reception bell. I was stumpted. I was so stumpted that i didnt even bother making up an opinion like "i dont like it at all!" i mearly just pulled a face of utter confusion and dread.

In a way though i dont mind. All the news does to me is make me paranoid and totally petrified. In reality all the news is, is a list of all the possible ways the world is going to end. Its just a group of people behind the scenes who all sit round a huge table and think of ways were going to go. "I think today we should talk about the possibility of the polar ice caps melting." "no no no, we need something bigger. i know lets talk about terrorists harbouring new ice melting technology to melt the polar ice caps" "Perfect!" "oh and we can lighten it up with a piece on a piano playing cat!"

And besides even if you tried to find out all the news in the world it would never be ALL of it. Theres always new news in some respect. Updated, re debated, re edited, re edited again, disproven ect.

I'll see how long i can last without it although im sure curiosity will entise me back to the television and i can start fearing whats in my back garden again.

Anyone here read "The Sun" newspaper?

Personally i dont like the paper but i wont go on an upper middle class style rant about how its for scum. It is pretty idiotic though.

My parents for some reason buy the Sun so i glance through it from time to time. Today i glanced through it and felt the same way i usually do afterwards; dissapointed and dirty. Anyway when i got to the Sun Letters section where members of the public write in their opinions on various subjects that week i have to admit i was a bit thrown back. Shocked even. The first letter i read was about Gary Glitter and it went a little something like this: "I think Britain should allow Gary Glitter back into the country so we can keep the rest of the children of the world safe away from him. Maybe if hes in Britian the hooded yobs who stab people everyday can finally put themselves to good use"

It was something along those lines. Not only does The Sun choose print an opinion that encourages murder but also makes Gary Glitter seem like a world wide threat. Im not taking Gary Glitters side at all. The man is a scum bag and im sure he knows it. Hes a convicted Paedophile (although he had some catchy tunes! "wanna be in my gang!" classic!) But i dont really think the encouragment of knife crime is wise at the moment. Also making out that by having Glitter in our country we are somehow doing a service to the world? Its one man. Even if he set it his goal to molest all the children of the world and we just let him get on with it he could surely only humanly manage about...100 at most? Hes old and haggard and not much threat at all really.

If you dont believe me look in today's "The Sun" newspaper. "Tits and football!"

As you can no doubt guess from my scruffy and terrible dress sense i am a keen participent in the musical genre of heavy metal. I dont like that my appearance gives it away but it does. For some reason i have subcontiously adjusted my image over a slow gradual process of years in order to tell people i dont know "just in case you dont know, i like heavy metal" at least thats how i was a couple of years ago. most people go through this pathetic phase and i was no different. However nowadays i have kind of broken away from that and now use my image as a means to confuse people. Obviously as time has gone on, my musical tastes have changed and become more diverse. I am pretty much open to any music now as long as i like the song specifically. in other words i dont judge on genre alone and i dont so much base my appearance on musical taste. I wear the cloths i own. end of really.

There is one institution in the music industy i hate though. and it goes by the name of MTV. It is surely one of the most evil things to ever be transmitted. Heavy metal gets a lot of slack by religious groups for being "the devils music" but lets face it, rock music in general not only shows the upmost passion for the genre through its performances but shows a dregree of musical and instrumental accomplishment beyond words. A lot of other genres do this too but pretty much NOTHING on MTV displays such characteristics. MTV is soul-less, self indulgent shit. it plasters this clean cut image through its girl and boy groups all miming their way to certain stardom. It makes me laugh how a Christian mother can condem an artist such as Judas Priest for spreading satanic messages through music (which there is pretty much no evidence for...at all. seriously none) and then allow their child to listen to artists like 50 cent and Christina Aguleara who not only encourage conformity and materialism but also have some of the filthiest lyrics i have ever heard. The difference between a rock singer shouting "Ok you fuckers i wanna see your hands in the air!" and 50 cents lyrics is quite distinctive. At least the rock singer has the confidence to actually shout out such things where as someone like "fitty" and Agulaera have to hide their filth away under a chirpy beat and flashing bright colours. Lets take the fitty cent song "candy shop" where we are treated to "you can lick my lollipop" or Christina's child friendly lyrics "you can make my cherry pop" NICE.

I know if i had kids i would much rather put them in front of a stereo and play them some fucking rocking honest music that shows dedication, passion and soul than let them listen to anything sprawled on MTV. Not becasue of the obscene lyrics (coz i dont believe in censorship) but because its shit.

I know that a few weeks ago i posted a blog about how much i dislike the olympics...

...well i take it back! there ya go! But like i said, its not the sports im against, its the moronic audience patriotism i despise. But i have actually been watching it and getting quite into it all. Some of these people are obviously insanely talented and athletic.

So well done anyone who is fit enough to be in the olympics because all i do it watch it and that tires me the fuck out.

If the couch potato games ever come to London i may get the gold but for now il settle for sitting at home eating and writing.

COOOOMMMEEE ONNN ELLLGGAAANNNDDD! (im joking obviously. I just like the moving colours and flashing images that seem to be popular in this years olympics)

And i swear to JEHOVAH if i hear fucking chariots of fire one more time i might just end it all. The fact that it plays after every event in a whiney monophonic tone doesnt help at all.

Ok you got your apology

now leave me alone

As you may or may not be able to tell by now i am an agnostic. A very light agnostic at that. Like most agnostics i dont so much believe in the possibility of an afterlife as i do hope for one. or indeed fear there is one. I have never been big on the whole religious thing. Even as early as primary school i have brief memories of rebelling against Christianity. There are certain things my Primary school made us do that nowadays when i look back on it i often think to myself "if i was there now i would have a lot to say to those teachers!" but of course im not. And back then i was innocent and oblivious to the things i was being fed. Basically the one thing i never understood about my Primary School was that it was a Public School in the middle of South East London, one of the most multi cultural places in the whole of England, Our school had Christian Kids, Seek kids, Hindu kids and all sorts...Yet the base of everything was Christianity being thrown in your face left right and centre. Most assembalys there would be a variety of Christian songs to sing ( one was called JC 2000. in case you didnt get it the JC stands for Jesus Christ) there would often be a prayer at the end of assembly which i presume was directed towards the Christian God. I cant exactly hold Christmas against them though. Its Christmas for Christ's sake! no pun intended. I could just never grasp why at a public school in Lewisham this was allowed...which leads me to my next point...

...Now before i get going i have to state, i have nothing against people believing what they want to believe. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs BUT heres where it gets tricky. I was always taught to respect other peoples religions. And i have to say in all honesty, being 100% honest...i dont. I dont respect most religions and i will tell you why. Personally i dont feel that respect should be dealt out casually to anyone who wants it. Like i said i respect your right to have a religion but i will not respect your actual religion if i dont like it. The way i decide how much respect i have for someone is purely through a basis of how i feel about that individual person's personality. Lets face it most people dont respect Scientologists. Even oh so perfect Christians look at Scientology and laugh. Why? Well because its fucking stupid. Its a rediculous religion. But what i dont think most christians get is that i look at Christianity the exact same way i look at scientology. To me Christianity is no less of a cult, its just been around longer.

Thats not to say i dont think Christianity has some good ideas, because i genuinally do like some of the stuff the bible talks about. I like their messages that encourage you to help your fellow man and be charitable. What i dont like however is all the undecisivness of it. The bible is pretty much an oxymoron in itself. I really dont understand how a religion can claim something like "homosexuality is a sin" just through one or two extremely vague and cryptic verses YET allow such clear passages like "Dissobedient children should be stoned to death" to be completely ignored. I know there is this whole thing about "well thats the old testament, this is the new testament!" Woo the new testament! get you! You Christians seem to have this argument that you follow the new testament but can i just ask WHY would you believe that if the old testament is good enough for Jesus its somehow not good enough for you? Last time i checked Jesus was Jewish right? Well when you guys rant about how "the jews killed Christ" are you actually insinuating that Jesus...Killed himself? If so isnt suicide a sin? If so does that mean Jesus is in Hell? wow this is getting deep. Lets get deeper, If Christ is God...does that mean Jesus was his own father? that has to be incest on a biblical scale (excuse the pun)

Ok i went off on one there. I actually just remembered why i started this post. Basically yesterday i got a knock on my door from no less that a Jehovahs whitness. I wont pretend to know a lot about their adaptation of Christianity but what i do know is they dont like medicine and are whitnesses to ... erm Jehovah (whoever that is) Anyway my good old Dad greeted them at the door and being the polite fellow he is he informed them that his wife (and my mother) has a incurable disease that is ... well i wont go into that if you dont mind but you get the jist that my dad was implying that "where is god now!?" which i do whole heartedy agree with. Well this Whitness didnt hesitate to pull out a small booklet that actually gave that very answer! Low and behold there was a whole chapter in this free book called "why do our loved ones get ill and die" and it covered all the basic reasons. apparently...God does it on purpose to test our faith. NICE ONE GOD! thanks a fucking bunch. I mean really...what a cunt. But i wont continue with name calling.

Heres my basic Peeve. I will give you respect if you grant me with a little. I dont want to believe what you believe. dont try and convert me becasue i guarentee it is IMPOSSIBLE. my faith is completely destroyed beyond repair...unless say God personally visits me and tells me. And for the record i dont appreciate being told i am going to hell. I find it VERY hard to believe that if i live as good a life as i can humanly manage and not be a Christian i will fail to reach "heaven" because honestly...what kind of a God allows a person who has lived a good, caring life not get into his nightclub in the sky because they didnt "believe" but allows a serial killer who "repented and converted" just in time for death row to get in. If there is a heaven and it is a Christian heaven personally i dont want to get in. Especially if the cast and crew of GOD TV are going to be there.

So just remember Christians (and other religions) have some respect for the agnostic or the athiest because we are people too. I know you like to have this blind superiority complex that you are the saved ones and we are all un saved heathens but just remember...some of us are your doctors and lawyers and judges...so give respect and you might get it back.

Back in the day, long long ago when i was in secondary school there was a time when lunch time was what you looked forward to. Amongst the struggles of maths and the lectures from totalitarian demi lords of the underworld HOYS (Head of years)there was always the thought in the back of your mind "dont worry Dave. Grin and bare it. Only 20 minutes to go till lunchtime. i wonder what they will have today? its thursday! they are going to have burgers. and im also going to get a chocolate muffin. ah this is going to be great" and great it was. My lunch hall even had a coca cola vending machine. I assure you that was the single thing that made me go to that school. it was the one defining feature that emphasised the change from primary school "you may have a cup of water with your meal" to Secondary "Have some MO' fuckin COCA COLA!" i actually felt slightly adult and respected. I had a small degree of freedom. I had a choice.

Then it all changed...

God did cometh. The second coming of Jesus had arrived. Lordy Lordy. raise your hands in the air and hail the upper middle classe's saviour. Jamie Oliver Cometh!

"Oh Jamie! my children are too fat! who can we blame! heaven forbid they blame me for my below average parenting! its not possibly my fault that i allowed my child to devlop bad eating habbits! I know! lets blame the schools!"

Now dont get me wrong. Im not the healthiest guy out there. I like to eat junk, i admit it but i can tell when its getting too much and then i cut back and eat reasonable meals. Thing is the canteen i was once proud of had been lowered to the Nazi state under the facist dictatorship of Jamie Oliver. Heil Oliver. Zeich Heil.

Why was my school listening to this cockney shite? Where had all the muffins gone? Where was the burger? it was only once a week. Where were the Cokes? Now in their place was "Caffiene free sugar free coca cola" if you can indeed even call it coca cola. To me thats just cruelty on a base level. If your going to get rid of coca cola then AT LEAST get rid of the vending machines completely. Dont titellate and tease us with your bland watery excuse for a soft drink. I think the Jamie Oliver regime actually succeeded in making me MORE unhealthy though. When the variety of different foods was phased out there wasnt a lot left of food that i actually liked, so i eventually had jacket potato, cheese and spaghetti hoops EVERY DAY for months. Nice one Jamie. way to keep the kids in shape. where as maybe if i was having a burger once a week i was at least getting some sort of meat nourishment with some lettuce.

I remember the day the ketchup wasnt there. I contemplated a public display of protest through suicide. Just set myself on fire right there in the canteen. Unfortunately becasue of the low levels of fat in my body i would probably burn too quickly to make any kind of worthy protest.

Essentially Jamie Olivers intentions are good. But lets look at this rationally. 1) Who the fuck is Jamie Oliver? An ex drummer for a shit band turned tv chef. 2) Did jamie oliver eat shit at school? YES because he never owned a time machine and visited his past self to stop him from eating turkey twizzlers. 3) why do schools value his opinion? Coz hes on the TV isnt he!

I genuinally feel sorry for kids just joining secondary school now because for you...Jamie Oliver Fucked It All Up

Sorry

Ok this blog is a proper moan.

I dont get how some of these blogs on here actually get featured. What do you have to do to get featured? Put loads of pictures on your blog and write about absolutely nothing?

"so yesterday i got up, i cleaned my teeth and i noticed that it looked like i had rabies! LMAO then i went to the shops and bought some milk. then i thought of where milk comes from. it comes from a cows titty. LOL so i put it back coz im not drinking anything from a cows titty! anyway then i came home and went on the computer for like 7 hours and looked at funny pictures of cats. I have put my favourite ones on this page. Then i decided to dance around for a bit to Sclub7 and STEPS. it was reaaaly fun! then all my totally random friends came over and we went to the shopping centre and hung out. LOL there was like this totally scabby old man and he was like well pervy. LMFAOLOLZARDSLOLOLOLOMGASL?!!"

I mean really? is this what i have to resort to, to get some fucking blog readers!?

its not worth it!

Are you sick of programs with well written dialogue? are you sick of programs that have a story line or point? I know i am! thats why i welcome the new show: "Last Choir Standing" on the BBC. I bet you cant guess what the show's premise is. didnt think so. Basically its about Choir groups battling to be...the last choir standing! as you can probably imagine there are...3 judges, not one annoying host but TWO annoying hosts that do nothing for the show but fill time. The show also relies on cohriagraphed swaying and stand still dance moves which to be fair can be pretty damn hilarious. And most of all like all shows in its genre, it relies pretty much on audience votes which leads me to my main point...

..I dont want to fucking vote! i want my television to be as physically undemanding as possible. I love it when my television makes my brain work but my actual body? your having a laugh surely? I refuse to controll the outcome of a program. i want something completely original which is why i hate reality television so much.

It seems all the programs the BBC shows now are standard cop dramas and mind numbing jizm like this. The 3 judges are your absolute typical. Theres "mr nasty" who although sometimes is playing it up for the camera usually delivers an honest and correct opinion which usually enrages the pea brained plebian audience to the point of an old fashioned pitchfork and lynching. to counteract this theres a sassy woman who loves everyone and everything she sees "well i thought you were amazing tonight!" (crowd goes wild) and then theres...the other one that no one cares about.

The hosts Nick and Myleen (Klass) are just what you would expect. Opinionless. Absolutely opinionless on any of the Choirs and have forced pre written conversations with each other and theres always a montage ... Always.

The choirs themselves are obviously a mix of very talented and abysmal. (its got to be fun!)

I am so sick of this formula and wish that one day we could have well written programming again...

For now though we have to settle for "My Family"

And for that i apologise

In 4 years time the biggest event the world has ever seen will be here. In the UK for one time only, the ultimate fight of the century! get ready for...THE OLYMPIC GAMES!

I am so sick of hearing about the olympics. the honest truth is that i really dont care about the olympics...at all. I didn't care about it when it was in other countires and i dont care about it now. i know where i'm going to be during the oylmpics. i will probably end up locking myself in my freezer with only a bag of frozen peas to keep me alive. Its probably the only place i can go without hearing about the fucking olympics. Mind you there will probably be an advert for it on the bag of frozen peas.

"But Dave, why do you hate the olympics so much?"

I dont hate the olympics. I just hate sporting activity. Me and the olympics had a deal. I keep away from the Olympics and the Olympics stays away from me. So far i have upheld my side of the deal, but now in 2012 they will be here...in the united kingdom. Everyone will be falsly excited about the olympics and there will be hugging in the streets and painted faces and car stickers and fog horns and shouting. its fucking moronic. people look like they care but what they actually care about is the fact that the Olympics has come to THEIR county. not america... "hooray! FUCK you america! we win!" Not Greece "HA HA Greece we win! fuck you greece!" and certainly not Germany "Take that you Nazi bastards! England prevails AGAIN!"

its all a miss use of patriotism. Its patriotism at its most moronic and its always about sport. Simular to when England won the rugby all those milleniums ago. "Come on England! kick that miss shapen ball over that big "H" You can do it!" then 2 days later:

"did you enjoy the Rugby?"
"whats rugby?..."

Hopefully global warming will have fully set in just before 2012 and i wont have to get into my freezer as the world will we a huge, frozen wasteland.

"Global warming...brought to you by the 2012 olympics"

Shit...

Come on people! wave your hands in the air like you just dont care! woo! praise tha' Lord! reach for that remote controll and flick through the thousands of channels all designed for you! We at TV land incorperated LOVE YOU!

Thats the impression i get when i turn on the TV...and its not a posotive one. Its a patronising one.

I used to watch a lot of TV. i mean a lot. I was king potato, and im not ashamed. TV used to be good. TV used to have programs. TV doesnt have programs anymore. it just has jaunty, colourful advert fillers. Terribly written (or not written at all) pieces of trash that fill the space between the adverts. After all the adverts are the most important thing to a television executive becasue they keep the station running. I remember when the roster was "12 minutes of programming and 2 minutes of advertising" im pretty sure the ratio has now flipped as it seems like for every 2 minutes of entertainment there is 12 minutes of Tony Robinsons putrid voice. Tony Robinson sold his soul and whats worse we have to hear his shrill death like voice everyday selling us toilet cleaner.

One thing i really don't understand about modern television is why (oh god tell me why!) they have to advertise programs during the program you are watching. Not even during the adverts...right there splatted across your screen, and usually it says something like "You are watching MTV!" durrr am i? ... wait am i? oh shit i had better turn that off before someone sees. I was actually glad for that one. Chances are if im on MTV its by mistake.

I also want to know what the hell happened to Friday night television? Im sure looking back these shows are all awful but they were my memories damnit! Noels house party, Generation game, TFI Friday. Although i remember these shows being good a look back on the hosts probably would make me feel differently. Noel Edmunds...is presenting the worlds most pointless gameshow "Deal or no deal" where "players" have to guess which box has the money in and then eliminate all the smaller cash prizes. TV gameshows have now got to the point where you dont need a facit of intelligence. You need to just point and go "DAT ONE!" and most of the "Players" can barely do that, stretching the show out a good 45 minutes when any other normal human being could probably pick all the boxes in under a minute. Jim Davidson from the generation game is...well i dont know where he is and i dont care. You have to forgive me for once liking him. When i saw him first he was presenting family shows "the generation game" and "Big break" I dont remember him ever interacting with any black families, but i suppose its probably for the best. he might not have been able to hold himself back long enough with his fake smile and greasy face and might have ended up...making a really shit joke he got from a christmas cracker? And now onto Chris Evans...

Erm...

need i say any more?

Friday night television is now in the form of "the friday night project" which was not only pretty shit but now...the Sunday night project. Is that becasue its demographic is all out on Friday nights?

i can imagine all these hip youngsters (around my age?) drinking in a pub

"ahh mate, i love coming out and drinking on friday nights...but i wish i could stay home and see the friday night project! its got like...this hairy man called Justin Lee collins and hes like, well mad. And this like right gay guy called alan carr right. hes like a proper real bender and everyfin, its like well mint."

"its on sunday nights now mate"

"oh shit thats top banana (if people still say that?) im deffo gonna watch that! BRB LOL LMAO ASL? *stab* *stab* ect.

iv lost the batteries for my remote controll. probably better off really

Yesterday i was out shopping for a couple of DVDs with various family members. We were in a place called "the glades, Bromley" which is basically a shopping centre and highstreet and as you can probably imagine it has its fair share of McDonalds "restaurants"

Every time you walk down a shopping centre highstreet your pretty much guaranteed to walk past at least 5 or 6 McDonalds all situated within a mile of eachother. I dont get it. Is McDonalds so self indulgent that it believes we need 5 different restaurants to choose from just incase when we come out of one, we need another one? then when your finished there you could roll your morbidly obese body to the next McDonalds and get a Mc Flurry.

One quite confusing thing i have noticed about McDonalds recently though is how much is seems to be changing. Not food wise, i think they still use the same plastacine to make their burgers. No im talking about asthetically. The whole image has changed. As much as the food in McDonalds sickens me there has always been one minor thing i half respected about them and thats that you knew where you stood with a McDonalds. You knew it was junk food. You knew its evil marketing campeighn was aimed at children helping to create fat children (Fat children is not a problem to me. if kids are fatter they won't leave their house and i wont have to see them again) But now McDonalds is all...well trendy. And its quite confusing. The moment you walk through the door you see the type of 70s throwback furniature familiar with "a clockwork orange" and the outside of the McDonalds buildings are now not all happy and child inviting colours with Ronald McDonald on the walls. Its now a military green. "One big mac please" "would you like to enroll for the armed forces with that?"

But as were on the subject of the food, the fact that McDonalds is no longer aimed primarily at children leaves me confused on how its going to stay open. I know a lot of adults like McDonalds. i have seen them. They are usually tattoo clad, England football shirt wearing bufoons who storm in, cut the line (which often enough is more of a mob of hungry teletubbies shouting for service) and then proceed to order miltiple "food" items. But the thing is without the child fanbase there just arent enough adults to keep it running. where are kids going to eat now? remember the days when if you had £2 in your pocket you could get a happy meal? Well now you can get a tofu burger and carrot sticks...MMM Im Lov'in that!

I dont hate all fast food, i quite like burger king...but only becasuse their burgers actually resemble the taste of meat...whatever meat they might use. A McDonalds burger tastes like a wet carpet sample.

One more "beef" before i go (get it?)

If anyone remembers the chocolate bar "whispa" which is insanely nice and no longer available...hows this for a marketing campeighn.

What they did was: Brought out Whispa...got rid of it...Brought it back again...recently just got rid of it again...and now its only available in McFlurry form....conspiracy?

YES

I love this website, its been the only UK blogging website i have found so far that is easy to use and i actually enjoy being on...However i do have some issues with it.

It seems like no matter where i blog or what i blog about i seem to get absolutely no views. Now dont start playing your violin for me yet, im not looking for sympathies. Im not trying to say that my blogs are in any way superior to anyone elses but heres what i dont get. i dont get how you get featured. I just dont get it. One thing i at least try to do is thinka bout my blogs. I try to raise topics of what i believe to be at least mild interest. I wouldnt mind as much if people read my blogs and hated them. In fact i would love that. At least someone is reading them, but the thing is i dont know if my blogs are good or bad becasue they just dont get read. The blogs that do seem to get a bazillion reads however are the blogs displaying random stranger's holiday photos or a business advertisment in the disguise of a blog. I dont know maybe i am tagging my blogs wrong so i will just tag this one "Cunt, sex, porn ect." and see if i get any extra readers.

Im sure i sound like a right moaner but the thing is i dont see the point of writing these things if people don't actually read them.

This is more of pretentious cry for help than anything else...if someone can tell me how to either 1) tag my blogs properly or 2) where i am going wrong, it would be much appreciated. thanks

For a lot of people writing comes naturally. Some people churn out tones of material and most of it is shit. Some people churn out shit loads of material and it all turns out to be pure gold. I on the other hand can't ever seem to find anything i want to write about. I'm not referring to blogs though. Im referring to creative writing. Its something i love to do. i love to write. I love to write, then direct and shoot what i have written. Then i like to compose the music for the films i shoot. But when i can't think of anything to write about i am stuck in a limbo that is insanely depressing. Its not like im trying to think of anything "important" to write about. Im not trying to spread any particular message. its just i come up with an idea, and then i look at it and think "its OK...but its not something i particually care about" so then it doesnt develop any further and gets abandoned.

I wish I was more prolific. I wish i could churn out endless material. I even wish i could be one of those people who churns out absolute crap but doesnt realise it and is actually really proud of their crap. But i cant. Im always aware ot how good or bad something is. Its not even self critisism. Its just an observation.

A blog is really easy for me to write. its basically just putting down my own thoughts. Thats not what i want to write in "creative" writing. I want to write someone elses thoughts. I want to create a world on the page. I want characters who think for themselves as apposed to just my opinions re-worded. But most of all i want to actually get something fucking finished! i never finish anything. Its not a lack of interest, just a lack of insperation.

Maybe i should write a story about a person who cant seem to write creativly so instead spends all their time on an internet blog talking about how they cant write creativly which then gives them the idea to write a story about a person who cant seem to write creativly so instead spends all their time on an internet blog talking about how they cant write creativly which then gives them the idea to write a story about a person who cant seem to write creativly so instead spends all their time on an internet blog talking about how they cant write creativly which then gives them the idea to write a story about a person who cant seem to write creativly so instead spends all their time on an internet blog talking about....

Wait. Did i just create a paradox?

thats quie creative i suppose

Who does she think she is!?

Who does she honestly think she is!? As if she wasn't annoying enough in the Spice Girls! Dont even get me started about the woman's solo career! I didnt know she could speak spanish "es es es es es es es el scorchio!" But now the cretin has been releasing childrens books! CHILDRENS BOOKS! this is worse that madonna's childrens book. Seriously, i really dont understand how someone so pointless can get away with this. Its obviously just a desperate attempt to stay gripped to the edge of mild fame. Spice Girls is dead...her solo career is dead...lets release some childrens books! yes Geri, because we all want to read about the story of a little princess selling her soul to the devil for a half arsed and near talentless career. just becasue your famous does not warrant you the right to also be anything you want. Oh yeah and you tried acting! Spiceworld was it?

I know this blog sounds cold, but Geri Halliwell can fuck off. Her career is over and the sooner she accepts it the better. Its not like its at all hard to write a childrens book. (ok, let me just state before anyone gets angry that i know there is a knack to it. There are a lot of excellent and respecatable childrens authors who can write a deep and clever original story that appeals to children eg: David Almond) But seriously!

Heres a quot from Geri in some shit tabloid paper called "The Moon" or something like that:

“I know there is prejudice against celebrity authors but if you read my stories you’ll know they’re not ghost written — only I could be that bonkers!”

Fucking hell i can imagine her sitting at a dinner table with all her friends. Geri puts an olive in her left nostrill and then proceeds to blow it out into one of her friend's soup.

Dickhead friend:

"Ohhhh Gerrriii you reeeeallly bonkers! you should write a kids book! Kids are bonkers!"

Geri:

"thats a great idea! i could be like...the next goosebumps or some'fin!"

Help us all...

I am unemployed...most people when they hear this are unimpressed. "18 years old and still havent got a job? i was down the cole mines at 10 and in a hammer factory by the time i was 12 where i lost all my limbs in a big piece of machinery" i know, i know things were harder in your days! But honestly, i want a job. no i'll rephrase that. i NEED a job. i have left college and now have absolutely nothing to do. Due to certain problems at home i decided to give the thought of University a year out. I might go in a year who knows? but for now work is very much on my mind. I will be the first to admit that i'm not exactly a go getter when it comes to the job hunt. i only apply for jobs i can realistically see myself enjoying (such as working for a HMV or in a guitar or camera shop or something) but thats not the point! i have tried applying for the lowest of the low! i have even risked certain zombification and tried Argos!

The main reason why i keep failing to even get interviews is because of my lack of work experience. I have never worked properly. I had a paper round once but after a few weeks i slowly felt my grip on reality fading away and felt tempted to throw myself under passing cars. You see my Secondary school failed to arrange any work experience for us, which i am to understand is quite irregular. Most schools seem to have gotten the opportunity. And before you say anything i know i can go to shops and say "hey can i work here for a month for free for experience?" and they will probably let me...but why the fuck would i want to do that?! im trying to make money! Also as long as i have a half valid scape goat (my secondary school) im going to milk it for all its worth. Although obviously this still leaves me jobless...and with goats milk which is frankly just rancid.

it truely aggrivates me that i havent been able to find any job opportunities for 2 years. I see people just coming out of secondary school at 16 and getting an instantanious job. Perhaps they are the pushy type. You know the relentless type who instead of moaning like the rest of us actually go out and get things done...wankers in other words.

One thing i can do though is trot down to the local job centre and claim £45 a week beneifts. Believe me i didnt want to do this! honestly! i want to work! i like to have something to do! If you dont agree with me scrounging money off the taxpayers then...i dont know... offer me a job? Anyone? No? ok well im going down there this week to sign on like many of my heroes.

So if there is anyone out there who needs someone grumpy and opinionated im your guy!

Oh one quick thing. I know im probably not the first to notice this (i dont know) but have you noticed that on the edit screen where you write your blogs on the top left hand corner of it, it reads "F U K D"? i thought this was pretty interesting.

Ok this is going to be a quick blog for me. 1) becasue its late and im not sure i have enough energy to rant about how much i dislike Scientology and 2) becasue a Scientology related blog will come later this week probably.

Basically what i wanted to adress however was the Scientologt advertisments on some of my blog pages. These are a disgrace! i think advertising in itself is bad enough without having the rediculous beliefs of L Ron Hubbard plastered all across my blog. People will enter my page and see the ad and automatically presume i am a Scientologist.

This does not sit well with me. If i have offended any Scientologists with this post then please, please, please, please, please make sure you check out my Blog on scientology coming later this week! becasue this is just an apitizer.

Goodnight

Lets face it...Britain very rarely makes a good entertaining and original television program nowadays, but when the planets are in perfect allignment you better hold onto your hats becasue occasionally we can produce programming of absolute beauty. 100% original, hilarious, heart warming, clever and downright genius programming that you could never replicate. For me the main contender is "SPACED" a modern sitcom penned by Simon Pegg, Jessica Stevenson (or Jessica Hynes depending on when you first saw her) and Edgar Wright. These are the same people who brought us "Shaun of the dead" and "Hot Fuzz" But forget those movies for a second becasue this was out waaay before. Spaced is one of those shows that because of my age, and where i live i feel (like a lot of others) that i can relate to it. I love this show. Its my favourite television show ever BUT I wont hark on about it too much becasue im deterring from my actual point. The point i want to cover is...American remakes! Now if your a fellow SPACED fan and your reading this thinking "What?! hes relating Spaced and american remakes? is there going to be a remake of spaced? this cant happen ever! i will kill myself before i accept that!" then please calm down! Yes this was my first reaction when i heard about it HOWEVER it all turned out to be a farse. There will be no american remake, i will repeat it just to calm you down THERE WILL BE NO AMERICAN REMAKE!!! becasue unlike a lot of money hungry and stupid people, Pegg, Stevenson and Wright are not stupid enough to destroy something so beautiful.

Why would an American remake destroy SPACED? well simple really...Becasue its not needed! simple enough! It doesnt have to exist. These are the things you would lose with an American remake: You would lose the main writers, because although the original writers would get input, the show needs to now relate to an American demographic meaning a lot would need to be changed content wise. Also i doubt the directing skills of Edgar Wright would be needed as Americans very much like to do things "their way"

Dont get me wrong i have nothing particually wrong with American television. After all they did make "The X-Files" (or was that Canada?) and without that i dont know what i would do. It just amazes me that if some American Big wig sees a British show he likes, why does he then think to himself "Hmm this is really good! i relate to it and i pretty much get it all! But i need to remake it with a new cast, new writers and it needs American accents!" Does this bigwig producer doubt the intelligence of his or her audience? Im probably wrong but i can't for the life of me think of one American program (other than gameshows) that we have remade. We get A LOT of American shows over here and although a lot of them (the daytime sitcoms) i despise i think i pretty much get all the jokes. sure theres the occasional American pop culture reference that goes over my head but i dont lose any sleep over it.

To me an American remake is a lot like a really bad cover band. You cant see the real band so you take a chance and go and see this "critically acclaimed" cover act who promise to play all the hits. You get there and on the stage appear 5 obese leather clad lime jelly filled potato sacks, wobbling around the stage dying on their arse. people are laughing ... but not for the right reasons and its all very embarassing.

If you still not convinced and are thinking "but what about the American Office? wasnt't that alright?" No! it wasn't alright. it was shameless money making and it was nothing on the original. If your not convinced simply go on youtube and search for "Red Dwarf US Pilot" and you will be converted to my church of anti American Re-makes.

In the great, amazing, wonderful, loving, nice, always sunny, totally free, non violent country that is England the lovely government that i adore so much is considering raising the legal drinking age to 21 like in the States. I for one agree totally with the govern....whats that? were out of view from CCTV? finally! ok forget everything i just wrote. its true the government is seriously considering raising the legal drinking age to 21 but i had to say those horribly positive things about the country because i was being watched.

You see in this Country we re slowly losing our rights. Now i wont go on a crazy one don't worry, i am fully aware that we are not communist Russia however i don't really like the sound of the legal drinking age increasing. Now before we start this let me just clear something up...i am not really a sponsor for alcohol. i like it, i will admit but i do think its ironic that one of the most legal drugs we have is the most dangerous.

But on the other hand if the legal age is raised (me being 18) i will have to wait 3 more years till i can drink again and in this time and day we currently live in how will i possibly be able to face each horrible day if i am to be sober? the sight of Vanessa Phelts makes me reach for the bottle of jack daniels so quickly and so often that my right arm has actually evolved a second elbow. In order for me to watch television i have to be literally hooked up to a hanging bucket filled with straight vodka on a drip slowly working its way through my veins. when im on the drip vanessa phelts looks half normal...ok a quater, and the shrill death like voice of Blackadder's Tony Robinson stops trying to sell me bathroom cleaners and instead seems to be having an ingrossing debate with Vanessa Phelts on who would last longer in a bull fight with a red cloth stapled to their heads. Michael Winner or Cilla Black. You see drunk TV watching is an almost half enjoyable experience as it makes a variety of shit sights and sounds mould together to create something quite interesting. When the bucket empties however you slowly drift back into consiousness and the voice of Rik Mayall, which i used to enjoy and reminded me of so many great shows is now ordering me to buy andrex toilet paper in the form of a small dog, which leads me to think that you dont even need to be drunk to have a spaced out experience with television because with some programs and adverts you might as well be on LSD they are so non sensical.

So please government, oh lovely good superiour government. Government that knows whats best for me. please dont raise the legal age of drinking to 21 becasue i can assure you it will only posses me to find harder drugs and im not sure my brain would be able to handle a heroin enhanced "my family" episode

Hello im David Ives and im an idiot. ahh that felt really good to get off of my chest, but guess what? your an idiot too. Don't deny it! you are an idiot. All humans are idiots and its our natural default. There is an idiot spectrum and i fit on one particular side of it and so do you. Its just your job to figure out what side. However the fact that i can admit to my idiocy technically makes me at least 50 percent more intelligent than you...however being so arrogant also means i am a dickhead.

Of course im not really that arrogant! well not in the real world anyway. In the real world i plod along day after day in ye'olde London town just feeling relieved each day that i managed to get through it without getting stabbed by a 13 year old. On this amazing medium of the internet however for some reason my tone becomes all the more sarcastic and negative, so if you are in the mood for reading the negative and sarcastic rants of someone you don't care about and have never met then welcome to my blog.

So what am i going to be writing about? Oh i don't know, probably whatever is running through my head at the time. I could have opted out and done the lazier alternative to blogging which i believe is known as "vlogging" as made popular with the "youtube generation" in which i am subcatagorised by society as i am below the age of 20 and own a computer. I chose not to do this however beacuse A) I like the old fashioned medium of writing as it not only lets me actually think about what i want to say before i broadcast it to the world wide web but it also allows you (the reader) to make your assumptions about me based on my opinions and not how "fit" or "buff" i am or am not. and i intend to seperate myself from the label of being the youtube generation, not that i have anything against youtube becasue as you might be suprised to read i actually have a youtube account in which i do post videos however they are not Vlogs. They are short films as i like to think of myself as something of an ammature film maker. And as far as i am aware youtube seems to be the most popular video streaming medium on the interent so what better place to get my work seen?

Im a hypercrit i know...which will hopefully make all my Blogs all the more interesting...or confusing depending on which side of the idiot spectrum you are on